• Menu cards can be a stunning addition to a place setting
• You can create continuity by using design elements from your invitation
• By inking the name of each guest at the top, menu cards can also serve as place cards – one less piece of paper
• If you have a choices for any of the courses, menu cards will greatly speed up service (your guests will know what the options are before the server arrives.)
• Menu cards can be a memento of your wedding (make sure your photographer knows to take a picture of them)

Here are some details you will want to keep in mind:

• If you choose colors, make sure to coordinate them with the other colors at the table, in particular linens and flowers.  Be especially careful with whites and off-whites.
• Talk to your caterer and florist about how the card should be displayed.  Slipped inside the napin or laying on the plate?  accompanied by a small floral piece?
• Menu cards must be legible.  This might mean sacrificing some words to keep the font large enough, but that’s good.  You don’t need to list “Potatoes and vegetables,” or even worse, “Chef’s Choice of Vegetables.”  Focus on what is either exceptional or important information.  Less is more.  For example, “Classic Beef Wellington with Mushroom Duxelles, Sautéed Spinach, Sauce Périgourdine” can be reduced to “Beef Wellington, Sauce Périgourdine (mushroom duxelles is redundant, it’s part of the dish, and the spinach just isn’t that important.  also, you may or may not choose to use accents, just be consistent.)  Grilled Salmon with Zucchini, Sweet Allumette Potatoes, Micro Greens, Tomato Scallion Beurre Blanc needs only to be “Grilled Salmon, Tomato Scallion Beurre Blanc.”
• Put your names or monogram at the top (unless the menus are doubling as place cards), the date and location at the bottom.
• Wines should be listed near the bottom, with two exceptions:

1. if the wines are not at all notable, there is no need to include them.  “Choice of Red or White Wine” does not belong on a menu.  On the other hand, if you are serving a 1989 Château la Mission-Haut-Brion Pessac-Léognan, you should list it (and invite me to your wedding.)
2. if you are “coursing” the wines (a wine designated for each course) the wines should be listed underneath each course.

• A “silent” entree is just that; do not put, even in small print, “vegetarian or fish available upon request” on your menu – your caterer will kill you!
• Proof, then ask someone else to proof.  Be especially careful of culinary terms (beurre blanc, entrée, raspberry) and wines. Do NOT depend on your computer’s spell checker (if you are using the microsoft word spell checker, prosciutto will be corrected, your melon will be served with prostitutes!)
• And now, proof yet again. Something that President Obama’s staff failed to do at his first official state dinner, as was reported by the media typos were rampant!

pic by daphne borowski

Here are my biggest pet peeves about wedding photography.  They don’t have anything to do with hiring the right photographer, or about how the photographer does his or her job.  And they are somewhat random, but more importantly, they are items over which you do have control.  So here goes:

Drinks first, then pictures …. oops, I meant pictures first, drinks second
Do people who have had too much to drink look like it?  Absolutely!  A glass of Champagne, c’est fantastique.  But use some caution there.  Get the personal pictures out of the way before you really kick into party mode.  Otherwise, a few years from now when your kids want to see your wedding album, they are likely to ask “why do you look so funny here?”

Hijacking the photographer
Your wedding day should not be your guest’s photo op.  Sure, you will want pictures of you and your new in-laws.  But do you really need to devote your cocktail hour to ensuring that Cousin Jerry – who you haven’t seen in fifteen years – gets his own picture of his family with you?  Think about the pictures you want in your album.  If it doesn’t belong an album (including parent albums) you don’t need the picture.  And if your photographer isn’t taking pictures of Cousin Jerry, he can be taking pictures of you and your guests having the time of their lives.  That’s what really matters, and that’s what you need to record.  BTW, make sure your photographer knows what you want before the wedding, don’t be caught having to make decisions on the spot.

And here’s the bridal party trying to evade the probation officer
If you plan on outdoor shots, ask your bridal party if any of them wear transitional (photo chromatic) eyeglasses (glasses that turn dark in the sun.)  Ask them to either wear other glasses or forgo them entirely.  Unless you want to look like you are surrounded by gangsters or rock stars  (the latter only works if they.)

Remember, pictures and evidence are one and the same!

Event timing is one of the most important thing that our clients need to understand.  To help them do so, I often talk about their “300 minutes.”  Notwithstanding the ceremony, the typical wedding reception lasts about that long.  An hour for cocktails and four for dinner and dancing.  Doesn’t seem that long, does it?  It isn’t!  Now let’s translate that to “minutes per guest.”  If you have 150 guests, you have 2 minutes to spend with each guest!

So what does this mean from a practical standpoint?  Five key things:

Plan
Know what’s going to happen and when it will happen.  Make decisions ahead of time, don’t get caught trying to figure things out on the spot.  If you don’t know when your father will give his welcome remarks, having a three minute discussion about it at the wedding will cost you 1% of your time.

Make decisions about what really matters
Do you really need to take all those pictures of your extended family?  On the fence about a garter ceremony?  is it worth 3% of your wedding?  What about a receiving line?  That’s 10% of your wedding.  Still need it?

Communicate
Make sure everyone knows what is expected of them before your wedding.  This applies to both vendors and those who will participate in your wedding.  The band leader needs to know your song selection, the photographer needs to know what pictures are critical, and the best man needs to know when he will give the first toast.

Do whatever you can outside of the five hour window
Here the most common culprit is family pictures.  If it’s possible – not a certainty, you will need to check with the venue – you are better off getting family members to arrive early for pictures than doing them during the reception.  Otherwise, there goes another 10%.

Last but not least, arrive on time
Again, not to pick on photographers, but bridal parties will often want to go somewhere special  for pictures between the ceremony and reception (in New York it’s typically Central Park.)  Before you know it, the ceremony will begin and you won’t be there.

Remember, these three hundred minutes can be the best minutes of your life; use them wisely!

photo by Anja Hitzenberger

When you start looking for a place to hold your reception, you will undoubtedly have a list of questions that you want answered.  Room capacity, menu prices and guest flow are some of the obvious one.  Here are three things that I look at that are not so obvious, but none the less important indicators of the experience that you are likely to have:

How are you greeted?
Take a look at the first person you meet, be it a doorman or a host.  Are they cheerful or are they grumpy?  This is how you – and your guests – will be greeted on your wedding day.  And it can tell you a lot more than the greeter’s state of mind.  Grumpiness is more contagious than an H1 virus, and it’s a good indicator as to how management treats its staff.  Remember, at your wedding you want to be surrounded by happy people.

Back of the house
What does the “back of the house” look like?  Ask to see the kitchen.*    Is it neat?  If busy, does seem like people are going about their work with purpose, or is it bedlam?  Are the corridors clean and tidy?   Take a look at the picture; it’s the kitchen at Daniel, one of New York’s most esteemed restaurants, and this picture was taken during a recent wedding lunchen.  The kitchen is pristine; Daniel Boulud is a perfectionist, and it shows.

Restrooms
This one is a favorite, often a maintenance “weak link.”  How is the lighting?  Do the latches work?  Are all the supplies there?  Think about how you feel when you walk into a sloppy bathroom, and compare it with you you feel when you enter a luxurious and well maintained restroom.  It can be a real sanctuary.

These three criteria might appear to be just details, but remember the old adage, that’s where the devil lurks.

*don’t expect a venue to show you the kitchen when it’s operating at full speed, kitchens can be dangerous places.  On the other hand, venues should not be reluctant to give you a tour  during a lull.

But what are you both arguing about?  You want to get married in a hip loft, and he prefers the swankiness of the St. Regis.  His family wants children to be at the reception, and he supports that, yet you envision an adults only evening.  And why doesn’t he like your BFF Joan?  She’s going to be your maid of honer.

You can argue about each point you disagree on.  Obviously not a great solution.  Or you can concede, “whatever you want, my love.”  But this kind of avoidance isn’t realistic or constructive.

So here’s something to chew on:  your wedding is the first “major life event” for which you will need to make decisions as a team.  It’s the first of many, including events such as children, buying a home, relocations, career changes and more.  It’s a great time to figure out how you will make decisions together. 

There will be a lot of things you disagree on, and being able to deal with them in a cooperative manner is critical.  Figure this one out and planning your wedding will be a lot more pleasurable, and you will have moved far forward on the road to wedded bliss!

Photo courtesy of 1314 Studio.

I won’t repeat their story – it’s on their website, www.winecellarsorbets.com – but I can tell you first hand how excited they are about their incredible sorbets.  Spend some time with them, and you too will “drink the kool-aid.”  Their sorbets are not simply infused with wine flavors, rather they are made with real wine, and their company is not a subsidiary of some multinational food conglomerate.  It’s just Dave, Brett and their team and a lot of hard work.

So what does this have to do about weddings?  There are some wonderful ways to use these sorbets at your reception.  My favorite use is as an accompaniment to your wedding cake.  So often, the wedding cake is served alone, and what your guests receive is simply a slab on a plate.  Neither the look nor the taste is appealing.  Instead, ask your caterer to get some Wine Cellar Sorbet (the Ruby Port Sorbet would be perfect), and tell them to place a scoop in a chocolate tulip, all of this to be served on the same plate as the cake.

Of course, you can also use WCS for the “intermezzo.”  But how about creating an hors d’oeuvre with Tuna Tartare and a thimble of Sake Sorbet?  Or add a scoop of sorbet to your “signature drink.”

Ask your caterer to get in touch with Wine Cellar Sorbets, and be creative!  And by the way, please let us know how you decide to use it for your wedding!

Now, I am not suggesting all pomp and circumstance.  I have seen all sorts of wonderful touches at weddings, and invariably they make guests smile.  Yet they do so in a way that suggests that the guests are sharing in your happiness.  One of my favorite moments – not original, but no less lovely – was when, during the recessional, the Juilliard trained classical musicians switched from classical to the Beatles “All you need is love.”  There was nothing incredibly clever or creative about this – it’s been done many times before – but it conveyed with terrific accuracy and dignity the essence of the newly married couple.  It was a beautiful moment.

So think long and hard about how you want your ceremony to be remembered by you and your guests (if children are in the cards, they too will want to see your wedding pictures and videos).  If you need to be creative, there are many other moments at which to display your outsized personalities.  But let’s keep the gravitas in ceremonies.

The tool that we use to accomplish this is the wedding agenda.  Preparing it is very time consuming, but it’s our job.  We don’t expect you to do the same – you won’t have the time and probably don’t have event experience – but there is a less time consuming alternative, what we call the wedding resume.  We would encourage you to start preparing one from the onset of your planning, revise it as needed and send a final version to your vendors and guest hotels a few days prior to your wedding.  Here’s what it should include;

• An overview with your contact info.
• A key / central contact person other than yourself for the day of your wedding.  It could be your best man, a parent or best friend.  Make sure that this person is fully aware of your wedding details.
• Contact info for all your vendors, including hotels that you and your guests will be using (when I was a hotelier, it was not uncommon for guests to go to the front desk and ask if we knew where so-and-so’s wedding was taking place – unfortunately, if no one told us about it we could not help them.)
• A list of your VIP’s.
• A timeline of activities – this should include the “getting ready” activities such as hair and makeup.  Be sure to include locations.
• Things: a list of all the items that need to get to the wedding (rings, license, escort cards, guest book, party favors, cake knife, etc.) as well as what happens to them after the wedding and who is responsible.
• A contact person to cover for you while you are away on your honeymoon (who will pick up items left behind or forgotten at the venue? – btw, make sure that this person has you honeymoon contact info.)

By completing your wedding resume, not only will your vendors be better prepared (and appreciative of your efforts), but you will be more comfortable, even when someone finally tells you to turn off your cellphone!

*Photo courtesy of Bend The Light Photography

One thing that all of these tools – and a big advantage over pen and paper – is the ability to share.  After all, you’re not planning this wedding solo, are you?  Also, some will let you email tasks straight to your lists.

Two of my longtime favorites are from a company called 37 Signals.  If absolute simplicity is what you want, it’s impossible to beat their Ta-Da lists.  You can make all the lists you want, and you can share them.  That’s about it, but the lack of “features” is more than offset by ease-of-use.

Another product from the same company is Backpack.  Like all 37 Signal products, it has a simple and intuitive interface, but adds features such as multiple pages, easier sorting and reminders.    Ta-Da Lists is free, and there is a free plan for Backpack.  (incidentally, 37 Signals also has Basecamp, a full-fledged project management system that I use for all my clients.)

A task manager that is a bit more feature-rich, but has an uncommonly elegant interface is Hi-Task. This program enables you to view your tasks in multiple ways as well as assign due dates by dragging tasks onto their calendar.

Here are a few pointers on managing your wedding task lists:

• First of all, and as previously mentioned, share your lists.  Certainly with your significant other, and also perhaps with your parents if they are paying.
• Don’t overwhelm yourselves.  I once had a client who came to me after finding herself completely buried.  Turns out her task list had over 1500 items!
• Keep things simple; for example, I categorize tasks according to approximate due dates; ASAP, next and final month.  In addition to being simple, it forces us to continually update.
• Use the list’s “assign task” functions.  And BTW, don’t assign one task to two people. If you do this, no one will own it.
• Be creative with your lists.  I always have “topics for conversation,” it becomes the agenda for client meetings.
• Constantly review and update your lists.

In the end, it doesn’t matter how you manage your lists as long as you do it!

pic by www.wreckamovie.com

Do you cringe when you see a 30′ long Hummer limo?  Wasteful? Cheesy?  Out of touch with reality?  In my opinion: absolutely.

For our weddings, we recommend town cars that seat four and stretches for the bride and somewhat larger groups.  But perhaps it’s time to take it a step further… do you have a “green” transportation company in your neighborhood?

If you are in New York, you have Ozo Car, a pioneer of eco-luxury private car service.  There are others; in Texas you have Clean Air Limo, and Planettran serves both New England and San Francisco.

Toyota Prius

Now, please bear in mind that I am not encouraging a bride to ride to the wedding in a Prius…  chances are the dress will need some extra space, and a photographer might be riding with you.  You will also want to be able to gracefully exit the car.  But please do think about the transportation choices you make.  Being kind to the planet is a good way to start a new life together.

And BTW, someone is taking pictures; the choices you make are recorded in posterity!

Moet et Chandon

The other day I came across an article in the Wall Street Journal that offers some really good advice; there are some things you simply should not overthink.

The article was titled “Hints on not getting burned on your next Champagne toast.”  Here is what Benoit Gouez, the chef de cave* at Moët & Chandon, says about it:

The toastmaster “shouldn’t prepare too much, or you lose the spontaneity.” He adds “That means no long-winded speeches read from note cards.  A toast should be short enough to be memorized—no longer than a minute—especially if there are others who will follow.  You should begin by raising a glass to eye level first staring directly at those you are toasting and then, as you speak, gaze at the other guests.”

Benoit Gouez - Les Maisons de Champgne

You may want to share this with those you have asked to speak, most importantly the best man and maid/matron of honor.

Of course, toasts are not the only things that tend to be overthought.  I am often asked how people should walk during the procession.  No differently than they do every day.  Just relax, smile, and the music will guide the tempo.  This is even more true with the recessionals, which are not unlike getting off of an airplane.  You will, almost automatically, recess in a graceful manner.  It may require making eye contact with the other members of the bridal party as you file into a line, but that’s all good.

If you are both fabulous dancers and want to show your stuff during the first dance, great.  But if not, don’t worry about it.  Just hold tight, and your feet will work just fine.

The bouquet toss and cake cutting are other elements that will benefit from spontaneity.  Remember, the saying is “if it feels right,” not “if you though it through properly”!

*the chef de cave, or winemaker, is the person responsible for producing and ensuring the quality of the Champagne.

I am often asked if seats should also be assigned.  In many cases, and especially with smaller weddings, my answer is an enthusiastic yes.  Presuming that you will not seat guests next to their significant others, here is why I like it:

• Your guests will feel compelled to be charming and witty to each person at their side, not just the one they don’t already know, making for an immensely more vibrant table.  It’s hard to understate this fact; it’s not uncommon to see a table of couples acting as if they were each at their own private two-top.  You can prevent this from happening, and in so doing double your wedding’s charm and wit factor!

• It’s a great way of making introductions – people will talk to the people they are seated next to, “I’m thrilled that Joan seated us together, we have so much in common!”  Take advantage of this to make significant and relevant introductions.

• The effort you put into a seating plan will be obvious to and appreciated by your guests.

• Last but not least, assigned seats add a degree of elegance to the occasion.

But, as with all good things, reality can intrude.  Most of all, a full seating plan is a lot of work, and you can’t complete it until the RSVP’S are in.  So here are some reasons not to bother with assigned seats:

• Don’t assign seats if you feel compelled to seat couples together. Sit together is what couples will do naturally, so why go to all the effort if the results won’t be any different?

• Don’t assign seats if you have territorial or extreme territorial seating (TS is when the groom’s family is on one side of the room and the bride’s on the other.  Extreme takes it further, with entire families at the same table.)  In that case, everyone already knows everyone else at their table, so just let them fend for themselves.

• Don’t assign seats if you don’t want to incur the added cost; in addition to the escort cards, you will need a place card (with calligraphy) for each guest.

• Don’t assign seats if you don’t have the time to do it right.

As a general rule, and notwithstanding the above exceptions, I prefer assigned seats when fewer than 80 guests are expected, especially if the wedding is black tie, or when the focus is more on dining and conversation than dance, as is often the case at luncheons.

The way you choose to handle seating at your wedding will impact your guests in a lot of ways, so please give the decision fair consideration.

]]> http://www.weddingaces.com/2009/08/on-assigning-seats/feed/ 0 http://www.weddingaces.com/2009/08/worst-contract-clauses-part-1/ http://www.weddingaces.com/2009/08/worst-contract-clauses-part-1/#comments Thu, 06 Aug 2009 16:00:20 +0000 Richard http://www.weddingaces.com/?p=4688 As you are aware, it is important that you read all the “fine print” before signing any contract.  This is especially true with venue contracts – there are a lot of items that have the potential to turn your wedding into something substantially less than you expected.

One of my least favorite clauses, and it exists in virtually all hotel contracts, is the right to reassign function rooms.  It looks something like this:  “Hotel reserves the right to reassign function rooms to accommodate both group (your wedding) and all other groups or parties using hotel’s facilities during group’s meeting.”

What’s this about?  Hotels are in the business of selling rooms, and groups fill rooms.  Imagine you have booked your wedding in the “Ocean Ballroom.”  A few months later the hotel has an opportunity to book a large sales meeting that will generate a lot of revenue.  The catch:  the group needs the Ocean Ballroom for their opening night dinner, scheduled on the same night as your wedding.  You will get a call from the hotel’s general manager, contrite and apologetic, but he will tell you in no uncertain terms that they have moved your wedding to River Room Sections 1 and 2.  I have seen it happen.

It is absolutely critical that you scratch the reassignment clause.  Just take a sharpie and cross it out.  Here are some likely scenarios:

• The hotel will tell you that they cannot modify the contract.  Tell them you can’t sign it (if you have been working with a Catering Manager, you may need to escalate this to the Director of Catering or Sales.)
• The hotel will tell you not to worry, there is no other room that could accommodate you.  Until you find out that hotel’s fine dining restaurant, which never did well, is being converted to “River Room 1 & 2.”
• Your Catering Sales Manager will give you his personal promise that you will have the Ocean Ballroom, he will be there for you.  Maybe he will, but the turnover rate in the hotel business is very high, chances are high that the person who sold you the hotel won’t be there by the time of your wedding.  And even if he is, he won’t be able to stop the sales meeting juggernaut.

So simply do not sign a contract with this clause.

Note: sometimes it is easier to modify a contract clause than to strike it.  I have occasionally let the reassignment clause stay with a “subject to client’s approval” modifier.

A corollary:  as previously mentioned, turnover in the hospitality industry is high.  Get absolutely everything the venue commits to in writing.

]]> http://www.weddingaces.com/2009/08/worst-contract-clauses-part-1/feed/ 0 http://www.weddingaces.com/2009/07/scale-and-intimacy-do-you-want-to-impress-or-welcome/ http://www.weddingaces.com/2009/07/scale-and-intimacy-do-you-want-to-impress-or-welcome/#comments Mon, 27 Jul 2009 19:00:44 +0000 Richard http://www.weddingaces.com/?p=4444

Cipriani 42nd Street

It is important to look outside of the wedding business for inspiration and solutions.  As a planner, I do this not only for myself but also to add credence to my recommendations.  Architecture is a good place to look when thinking about venues.

Not too long ago a client of mine, who was expecting about 150 guests at her wedding, was looking at a very grand and luxurious ballroom.  It was truly an extraordinary space.  And although it could hold over 300 guests there are “tricks of the trade” that we could use to create the illusion of a full room.  What we could not do, however, was make it feel intimate.  In fact, the space was never designed for intimacy, it was designed to be spectacular and impress (as was the desire of its former tenants – it often serves banks and private clubs well to create an aura of power.)  I reviewed my notes from my first meeting with this client, and sure enough, “charming,” “intimate” and “cozy” were words that she had used to describe her perfect event.  Yet she had allowed herself to be entranced and seduced by this venue.

No one makes a more pursuasive argument against over-sized space than the architect and author Sarah Susanka.  In her first book, “The Not So Big House,” she discusses the impact of “starter castles,” aka McMansions.  The first chapter starts with the plight of Paul and Laura, a couple that spent a small fortune on a new home yet ended up deeply unhappy with a home that was void of warmth and intimacy.  How did they get here?  The were “simply following the process that is standard to working with a builder…”

This is not dissimilar to the process you will go through in searching for your wedding site.  Chances are that you will see some ballrooms that will amaze you.  But before you sign on the bottom line, it is important that you step back and do a bit of soul searching.  Do you want grand and regal, or is intimate and welcoming what you want your guests to experience?  The feel you want needs to drive your venue choice, not the other way around.

note: I am not suggesting that you exclude gorgeous ballrooms from your search; there are numerous smaller ballrooms that were designed with a degree of intimacy in mind, the Versailles Room at the St. Regis (NY) comes to mind.

time inc.

According to Andrew J. Cherlin, the author of “The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today” there is “a great turbulence in American family life, a family flux, a coming and going of partners on a scale seen nowhere else. There are more partners in the personal lives of Americans than in the lives of people of any other Western country.”

Of course, no one is affected by this as much as our children.  The evidence is clear, children do better with both parents, regardless of all the other variables such as race, income and education.  As Obama said, “We need fathers to step up, to realize that their job does not end at conception; that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child but the courage to raise one.”   Sobering thoughts, but important ones as you contemplate marriage and – for many of you – raising families.

I know it first hand.  We have a wonderful eight year old daughter, and we are reminded every day of what we as a couple can provide her with.  It’s not always easy, but the rewards and happiness – both her and ours – trump every challenge.

So, for all of you thinking of red, white and blue for your July 4th wedding, I’m going to rain on your fireworks.

Your wedding is not and should not be a theme party.  It already is one, and the theme is love, partnership, family and all those other wonderful things that go along with marriage.  That is the only theme that matters.  Anything else is a distraction and dilutes the importance of what really counts.

OK, there are exceptions.  If  you are a military couple, and the military is your life, by all means incorporate.  No one will question the genuineness (myself included, especially if the groom is bigger than me.)  And if someone important can’t be at your wedding, perhaps serving in Iraq, by all means mention and honor them.  But at the end of the day, this one’s about you and, per our wonderful Declaration of Independence, your unalienable right to the pursuit of happiness.

PS: to all my wonderful, talented and creative colleagues on Wedding Aces, I love your ideas, but I’m not giving out my home address.

fMRI image detailing the connections between the music, memory and emotion centers in the brain: Petr Janata / UC Davis

Ever heard a song from the past and found yourself emotionally transported back to that time?  It’s a part of the extraordinary power of music.  And it’s a critical consideration when you pick the key music and songs for your wedding.

The connection between music and memory is is both well known and documented.  It’s also of particular interest to me, more on that in a future post.  So when I read a glowing review of “The Music Instinct: Science and Song” (Wednesday, 9-11 p.m. ET on PBS)  I plugged it straight into my DVR.  According to the Wall Street Journal, “there isn’t a boring minute here,” and it could clearly impact the way you pick your most important wedding songs.

www.hireafiretrucktampa.com

My clients do not expect silk flowers or flameless candles.  And I could not agree more.  Until this past weekend.

My client’s wedding was at a truly magical landmark location in Manhattan, and this venue has a wonderful dressing room.  As is often the case, the dressing room serves multiple purposes; it is also a private oasis for the bride and groom, and a place where they can store their valuables and gifts.

photo flamlesscandles.net

The banquet staff had placed hors d’oeuvres and Champagne in this room, dimmed the lights and decorated it with flowers and votive candles.  It was just lovely.

At about eleven that evening, someone smelled smoke.  Some tissue paper in the dressing room had caught fire.  We were very very lucky, mostly because no one was injured, but also because there was no property damage and no gifts were lost.  No envelopes – many bearing cash gifts – were destroyed.  Whew.  As many of you know, there have been some really tragic fires in public spaces.

So from this point on my plan is to require venues to use flameless candles in any unattended rooms, dressing rooms and restrooms included.  If the venue balks, I will provide the candles.  They are easy to find in stores such as Bed Bath and Beyond and online at sites such as www.flamelesscandles.net.  I hope you will follow my lead on this one, there is absolutely no excuse for compromising the safety of your guests.

I also enjoy reading about it.  Not cookbooks, but stories about cooking and people who cook.  So with Father’s Day in mind I have assembled a list of my favorites, any of which would make a terrific gift.  These are not cook books per se*, but books about people in the culinary world.

A book that stands out as the best about Chefs and their world is is “The Making of a Chef.” To write it, Michael Ruhlman spent a year as a student at the Culinary Institute of America.  Every human element is touched on as the author brings to life a pivotal year in the lives of a handful of aspiring chefs.  This book affected me in a way that no other book – culinary or otherwise – has.  It is truly a very important book.

Incidentally, Mr. Ruhlman has written several other food books, and although they are not as significant as The Making of a Chef, they are all terrific.

Perhaps you believe that cooking is a glamorous world.  No book succeeded better at debunking that myth than Tony Bourdain in Kitchen Confidential. Definitely R rated, and a lot of fun.

Mix Ruhlman’s observations and Bourdain’s testosterone, and then blend in a bit of romance, and you would have “Heat‘ by Bill Buford.”  The subtitle says it all: “An Amateur’s Adventures as Kitchen Slave, Line Cook, Pasta-Maker, and Apprentice to a Dante-Quoting Butcher in Tuscany”.  If you are planning a honeymoon in Tuscany, it’s an absolute must-read.

Another extraordinary but profoundly sad book is the “The Perfectionist: Life and Death in Haute Cuisine” by Rudolph Chelmenski.  In many ways, it is a typical story of a French kid who chooses a career culinary career.  Bernard Loiseau finds extraordinary success before succumbing to the pressure of maintaining his three Michelin Stars.

You don’t need to be at a range to write about food.  Here are three great books by people who are not chefs:

• Ruch Reichl – now the Editor of Gourmet Magazine – has written several heart-warming books.  My favorite is “Garlic and Sapphires:  The Secret Life of a Critic in Disguise.”
• In “Nobody Knows the Truffles I’ve seen” our friend George Lang chronicles his life from the forced labor camps of his childhood to becoming one of New York’s most prominent restauranteurs.
• No one has had more impact on the restaurant business in this country than Norman Brinker, the man behind Steak & Ale and Chili’s and the mentor to countless successful restauranteurs.  In “On the Brink” he recounts his story and business philosophy (Mr. Brinker passed away last week.)

There are two reference books that are never far from my reach.  Can’t figure out what spices to use on the Lamb Loin?  Culinary Artistry by Andrew Dornenburg and Karen Page will get you out of that pickle, there is no better tool for creating dishes and menus.  “On Food and Cooking” by Harold McGee is a book that explains everything about food products and the science of cooking.  You will find it on any chef’s bookshelf, and it should definitely be in your kitchen.

*When Thomas Kelleher of the renowned “French Laundry” was asked about his vision of his New York oupost, her responded “Well, it won’t be the French Laundry “per se.”  Per Se is now one of the city’s finest restaurants.

Let’s start with guilt.  Professional planners do not “guilt” people into spending.  Our role is to educate our clients about the options and the implications of their choices.  The implications are at times significant, and may impact the client’s experience, the guest experience and in many cases the budget.  Sometimes we tell a client to avoid an expenditure (the “smile” test, will it make your guests smile?  If not, why bother?)  In other cases, the opposite is true.

Here’s a good example of what can happen; a client of ours had planned a ceremony at a hotel, to be followed by a cruise dinner dance.  A few weeks before the event, the pier adjacent to the hotel was closed.  The closest option was twenty minutes away by car.  There were four key issues:

• getting to the new pier was a complicated drive, especially at night.
• parking at the hotel was valet only, and it would have taken a good hour to get all the cars out, so even if things ran smoothly and no one got lost it would take at least an hour and a half for all the guests to get to the pier.
• some guests were arriving at the hotel by public transportation and would have limited options for getting to the pier.
• at the end of the event, guests would be left at a pier in an otherwise desolate part of town.

Conversely, if the event ended at the hotel, guests – many of whom would have been drinking – would have other options than to immediately drive away. A much safer option.

We ended up chartering buses to take all the guests from the hotel to the pier and back.  It was an unwanted, unplanned and substantial expense, but ultimately everyone agreed that it was the only right choice.

Now, we are planners, and it’s our job to help you spend wisely.  What about the other vendors, those that are in the business of selling services and products?  Invitations, hoteliers, caterers, party favors, personalized bottled water, hair pins and more.  Well, it is absolutely their business to sell to you.  Selling is a component of marketing, and it’s how one builds and maintains a business.  (I am not referring to the bandleader who tells you that you need a 30 piece orchestra when you need a 5 piece band – that’s offensive and dishonest, but also pretty rare.)  Many of these vendors have well oiled sales programs in place, and it is up to you to use the same good judgment that you would use to purchase any other product, from cereal to a new car. (in a future post I will discuss some of the tools that vendors use and how you can actually benefit from them.)

Many of us are in this business because we like it.  And some have chosen it over much more lucrative options.  When you decide to hire a band, you are hiring professionals who care.  Bill Morgan, the leader of the New York based Central Park Orchestra, told me “there is nothing that I like more than playing my music.”  These are probably people who live in your community, do what they do because it brings them pleasure,  and could even be the same people who patronize your own business.

In a wonderful new book “The Hunger” John De Lucie talks with a lot of love and respect about his father, a gifted wedding musician.  Mr. De Lucie is the Executive Chef / Partner of the Waverly Inn, one of New York’s hottest restaurants.  About cooking, “I loved the vibe of making people happy.  it was like my father playing them a song.”  And that’s what weddings are all about.

I was reminded of this by a recent Wall Street Journal article by Jane Zhang.  The title of this excellent article was “I do… for less,” and it suggested that for some an iPod is a viable music solution.

photo by freedigitalphotos.net

In some cases it is, but in most it is not.  Although a DJ plays music, his key role is to understand and manage the ebb and flow or vibe of the event.  He needs to know when to – and how to – calm the crowd down for toasts or dining, and when to “tear the roof off.”  In the right hands, the passage from intimate and private to dance party and back will feel completely seamless.

There are other things a good dj can do, and although they might seem obvious, not all club dj’s are capable of or comfortable doing them well.  They will need to make announcements.  They will need to coordinate timing with the banquet captain and kitchen.  They will need to make sure that the photographer is ready before you cut the cake.  And if you like rap, they will need to choose songs that won’t offend your mother (especially if she’s paying!)  Contrary to popular belief, no iPhone App can do this (well, at least yet.)

The same rational applies to other vendors as well.  Florists provide flowers, yet their role goes beyond that.  Can they really match the flowers to the venue?  Can they advise on and provide linens?  Are they ready to deal with a quick room turn?

The bottom line is that the right experts go well beyond their “craft.”  As the cliche goes, a wedding is more than the sum of its parts.  Professionals understand this, and will make sure that their contributions are well integrated into your wonderful wedding.  So hire them carefully and leave the iPod at home.

For some, getting married is synonymous with setting up a new household.  Yet for others – especially two adults merging two households – paring down is in order.  Which brings me to the latest innovation in gifts: the charity registry.  It’s a brilliant idea, and the results are likely to make you feel a whole lot better than a new toaster.  Three of the best known are the I Do Foundation, Just Give and Changing the Present.  So pick one and stick a link on your website.

Incidentally, it’s not uncommon for couples – especially those that are more affluent – to want to have a “no gift” event.  But that rarely works so well; guests will ignore your preferences, and you will end up owning three espresso machines.  So sign up for a charity registry instead.  And if you have children from a previous marriage, having them research and choose the charities is a great way to make them feel more involved in your wedding (two great organizations that kids can relate to are “Free Rice” by the World Food Program and Heifer International.)

While on the subject of giving, it’s worth thinking about the flowers.  The “grab a centerpiece free for all” that so often happens at the end of events can be a pretty horrific sight (I have literally seen fists fly!)  Is there a nearby hospital that can put the flowers to better use?  (if you do, put little notices on the tables or even directly on the menu cards to inform your guests.)

Isn’t it wonderful to know that on this day, the happiest day of your life, you will be able to share some of your happiness with others less fortunate?

photo by Joanna Keefe

the rest of the bridal party isn’t so bad either.  With all due respect to the very talented photographer (Joanna Keefe), gorgeous people (usually) look gorgeous in pictures.  Albums of gorgeous people are also, according to my friend and celebrity wedding photographer Christian Oth, a great tool for building a wedding business.  But beware, when you sit down with the photographer, and he or she begins to show you nothing but gorgeous people, beautifully attired and in stunning locations.  Divert thy gaze.

You need to look at the not-so-gorgeous.  Does the photographer make them look special?  interesting?  dignified?

photo by Angela Cappetta

Annie Leibovitz is a great example that just about everyone knows of.  Not all her subjects were rock stars (Queen Elizabeth, perhaps?)  But invariably they look like someone you would want to get to know and have a drink with.  The ooze character.  Their pictures tell a story.  Now, chances are that Annie will not shoot your wedding.  But local examples, such as New York’s wonderful Angela Cappetta, abound.

You should try to find them.  If you do, I promise that your wedding album will never gather dust.

WeddingWire Guest Tool

Disclaimer:

This post may seem long, and wordy, but the content is VERY important for all brides. I promise, if you read it and follow the directions it will make your wedding planning much easier!

So here is what so often happens about ten weeks prior to the wedding: “John, we’ve got to get our lists to the calligrapher tomorrow.”  “OK, here’s my list.”  “But your list doesn’t have any addresses.” “You never told me you needed the addresses.”  But because you are reading this, dear Wedding Ace readers, it won’t happen to you, right?

Before getting into details, an important term is “group.”  It’s the family, the couple, the individual that will attend, and typically 1 group=1 invitation*.  Make sure the name is unique.  If your family name is Stevens, there will be lots of Stevens attending, and you should have Stevens/Cleveland, Stevens Grandparents, etc.
*typically, because college age children living at home should get their own invitations, even if they are mooches.

So here’s what you need in your database:

• Name of each guest (important:  last name first, and if the invitation reads “and guest,” the entry in this row should be “Rosen, James, GUEST OF.”
• Group
• Adult or child, and if child, their age (good chance that the caterer will charge less for kids under a certain age – you might need to ask their parents, but don’t do this until after they have confirmed)
• Names for the outer envelope
• Address for the outer envelope (try to avoid using their business address)
• Names for the inner envelope (if your brother has been dating the same woman for 8 years, you will want to use her name rather than “and guest.”)
• Middle initials or something else to differentiate Mr. John M. Doubles from Mr. John N. Doubles – a very common occurrence at weddings.
• Email address and phone, you never know when you might need to contact them
• A “chance they will attend” column that you can continuously update so as to keep on top of expected attendance.
• RSVP status (received, not received)
• RSVP notes
• Similar data about any other activities they might be invited to, including the rehearsal dinner and post-wedding brunch.
• Meal: a choice might be required by the caterer, if not you will still want to keep track of any special needs (medical, religious, kids who will eat adult meal, etc.)

As rsvp’s start arriving, you will want to add some more data:

• Escort card wording:  This is where guests find out which table they will sit at.  Typical wording is “Mr. and Mrs. Gerald Capelli,” “Master Robert Robins,” “Mr. Aaron Bold and Guest.”
• Place cards: if you are assigning seats,  “and guest” won’t work; you will need to find out the name of your guest’s guest.
• Seating remarks (these are your preferences, not theirs – it’s your party, you make the rules.)
• Table assigned (and seat if also assigned – I prefer letters to numbers, clockwise, less confusing – seat “a” faces the front of the room, then b, c, etc.)
• Gift received / Thank you note sent
• For out of town guests, especially VIPs, when they will be arriving and where they will be staying – this is the kind of information that in most cases you will not ask for, but do track it if it’s volunteered.

Free WeddingWire Seating Tool

Before your wedding, your caterer will ask you for a table list indicating the number of guests per table.  You should also forward a complete copy of your guest list to them, this will facilitate accommodating any last minute changes.  Incidentally, you would be surprised at how often the bride and groom are missing from the list.

One more item; don’t forget to continually update the “chance they will attend column.”  if it’s yes, it should be 100%, no 0%.  Pay attention, because you will be getting a continuously improving prediction of your final attendance (if it looks like it will change significantly you will need to let your caterer know and check your contract for minimum commitments.)

Oh, and please please follow the geek’s 11th commandment: backup, backup, backup!!!

I recently wrote about the importance of forecasting attendance.  The corollary is who you decide to invite in the first place.  I was reminded of this when a client told me that she was planning on having anywhere between 150 and 300 guests “depending upon the site they choose.”  It’s not the first time I have heard this, yet it always strikes me as a bit awkward.  It’s a bit like buying a gorgeous must-have pair of Jimmy Choo’s in size 7 – the last pair / only size they have – when you wear an 8.  This is the most important day of your life, and who you invite should be based on your relationships, not the capacity of the venue.

An important aspect of this is whether you want a small intimate affair or a large party.  Perhaps you have uncommonly large families, or you feel compelled to invite your vast group of colleagues.  Yet again, isn’t that something you should address before you start looking at locations?

Of course, your budget plays a role in this decision.  I work in New York, where the costs of a wedding are significant.  Economics might require you to host a smaller event.  Yet again, there are choices that can be made – dj or band, poultry or filet – that will enable you to modify your guest list and invite the people that really matter.

So please, think hard about who you want at your wedding before you start thinking about event planning.