Caterers and venues commonly add an service charge (15-25%, varies by region) to help cover the costs of operating a business: office staff, utilities, supplies, insurance, advertising, etc.  While a catering contract may show a break down of the specific event elements and their costs, the service charge helps cover the cost of the hours needed to prepare and plan the event.  Often, a caterer or venue will offer services – tastings, room layouts, meetings, walk throughs – that are not included as a line item cost on the contract.  The costs need to be covered as business expenses, and thus the service charge allows for such services.

As for gratuity, you might see that as an additional line item, though the spirit and tradition of gratuity is at the client’s discretion.  A gratuity is never expected but always appreciated: if you wish to extend your thanks to the service and kitchen staff, your event planner can give you guidelines and help facilitate the distribution.

“Happy Planning!”

Top Ten Things a Gracious Bride Knows:

1. Others may not know proper etiquette, but that doesn’t mean you should ignore it.
2. Be humble.  You may be a bride now, but soon you will re-enter life as a mere mortal.
3. Respect tradition, but give it your own personal spin.
4. Mind your manners.  “Please” and “thank you” will take you a long way.
5. Your friends and family do not work for you but are happy to help you because they love you.
6. Don’t assume anything.  Ask questions and get the details in writing.
7. Don’t keep guests waiting and don’t ask them to pay for anything.
8. Treat your vendors kindly and they will do the same for you.
9. Thank-you notes are a must.  It is never wrong to express your thanks to your parents, your guests, and your vendors.
10. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.  When in doubt, trust yourself.

Gratitude, mindfulness, and kindness are the best modes of operation.  When the wedding planning process gets stressful or overwhelming, take a deep breath, allow yourself to slow down, and find a moment of grace. 

What other suggestions or advice can you add to this list?

Special thanks to Holly LeFevre for permission to print her top ten list.

What dessert displays do you suggest for a fun addition to a wedding reception?

Cookie Buffets! Delightful!  Offering guests a variety of favorites will bring a smile to everyone’s face.  Place nearby a display of mini-milk cartons on ice so your guests can partake in the yumminess immediately.

Crunch & Munch: Not so much a sweets person?  Why not fill those swanky apothecary jars with salty treats: pretzels, potato chips, salted nuts, chex mix, etc.  Have decorative to-go bags or boxes nearby (and strategically place this display near the bar.)

Gourmet Popcorn: Who doesn’t love popcorn??!  Delight your guests with favorites as well as unique flavors: caramel, kettle, white chocolate cinnamon,  butter pecan..

S’mores: yes, the camping dessert gone gourmet.  Good luck keeping this buffet stocked!  When paired with a coffee station or shot glasses of cold milk, you’re guests will be fully fueled to dance the night away.

Images (clockwise from top left) from:

Martha Steward Weddings, Gotta Have S’mores, Wedding Bee, and Farfalla Wedding.

• Head to the closest newsstand or bookstore and stock up on some wedding magazines! This is the perfect time to dive into what’s new and exciting, what colors and flowers you find yourself drawn toward, ideas from weddings featured in the pages, local resources and planning pages, hairstyle ideas, makeup inspirations, etc. etc.  When you start to hyperventilate from the overwhelming amount of things to consider, step away from the magazine and take a deep breath.  There is a reason most brides take on average 9 to 12 months to plan this big event.  You have time.  Plenty of time.

• Brainstorm with your fiance about ideas: its his wedding too and he might surprise you with thoughts or ideas that are important to him.  And don’t be surprised if parents start offering you suggestions or advice.  Whether you asked for it or not, you have to consider how important and precious the wedding will be for them, too.  Now’s the time to practice graciousness.  It’ll be an important virtue to hone.
• Next comes the ultimate task – and the most vital one at this stage – the budget.  Before you call your first venue or vendor and schedule an appointment, before you purchase anything or commit to any contract, you must – I repeat, MUST – create a budget, you must have an idea of what you want to spend on your wedding.  This will require an estimate of your guest count (and be realistic about that estimate, because it plays a part not only in the financial aspect, but also in your contract negotiations with locations and vendors.)  Putting the cart before the horse on this task will end up with regret somewhere along the line. WeddingWire.com offers a wonderful, interactive budget calculator to get you started.  A wedding planner can help with this task as well.  Which brings me to my next point..
• Hire a wedding planner. Seriously.  It will be your wisest investment.  A wedding planner is an adviser and consultant – an expert in weddings, and believe me, you’ll need one! – as well as your advocate.  Many times, their suggestions and referrals can result in discounts or embellished services that end up paying the cost of their service.  Check out my previous blog post about Choosing The Right Kind Of Wedding Planner.
  

That preliminary check list will carry you for a couple of weeks (or months – you pick the pace that’s most comfortable for you.)  Let the fun begin!

“Happy Planning!”

Did you get the ring yet? Gentlemen, I will not kid you: purchasing an engagement ring is a daunting task, never mind the emotion that comes from the actual proposal.  Finding the right ring for your bride to be can be overwhelming.  But armed with a little knowledge and the right resources, you’ll be an expert in no time!

Let’s talk about diamonds – a girl’s best friend.

You’ll want to consider the 4 Cs:

• CARAT: Carat is the measurement of a diamond’s weight.  One carat is approximately 100 points (so a diamond under 1 carat will be denoted by points) and is 200 mg.  Carat is about weight, not size.  Its a misconception that a certain carat weight should equal a certain diamond size.  The size differences occur due to the cut of the stone.
• CUT:  There are two parts to the cut of a diamond: the shape, and the proportions and polish of the stone.  Ask your jeweler about depth percentage and table percentage (the two primary proportions to consider) as you review each diamond.  Below is a chart of common diamond shapes.  Shape is really a personal preference (however, round brilliant stones tend to reflect the most light, thus the most brilliance (or sparkle.)

• CLARITY: Clarity indicates the quality of the stone and how clear it is.  Because diamonds are nature made, there will be some defects (known as inclusions or flaws.)  The fewer flaws, the better the clarity.  Take a look at the diamond under a 10x magnification and you’ll be able to map the unique traits of the diamond.
• COLOR: Actually, this refers to lack of color: the less color a stone contains, the more valuable it is.  Lack of color allows it to reflect and refract light.  Hints of yellow is the most common shade found in diamonds, though brown or gray can shade as well.

Detailed information about diamond rating scales for cut, color, and clarity is available online at DeBeers Jeweler.  My husband swears by this book, How To Buy A Diamond: Insider Secrets For Getting Your Money’s Worth by Fred Cuellar. He read it thoroughly and took it with him to every jewelry store he visited.  The jewelers who recognized his efforts to be informed and helped him with his diamond education stood out from those just interested in the sale. Each elements mentioned above is explained in depth in the book.

• Before you launch in to the hunt for the perfect ring, make sure you have an idea of what she may like. What is the style of the jewelery she already wears?  Does she wear a lot of gold, or does she stay on the silver or platinum side of the fence? (Not sure?  Make not of her watch band or her bracelets and necklace chains.)   Is she a modern girl, into classic or traditional design, or can she claim to have one foot firmly placed into a different era?  This might give you a hint of the design of the ring: clean lines in a platinum setting, a solitaire stone in a white gold, or perhaps an art deco etched ring with side stone settings.  When in doubt, ask a trusted friend or family member (and swear them to secrecy if you must!)

• As with any big purchase or endeavor, know your budget.  Typically, you can expect to spend one to two months salary on an engagement ring.  Of course, that means planning and saving, so do your research during this time.  Ultimately, you have to be comfortable with the amount you are spending.  In this economy especially, it doesn’t make sense to start the road to marriage with debt.
• Because there are many factors and nuances to purchasing the engagement ring, make sure you trust the jeweler or salesperson.  Ask family and friends or engaged couples for recommendations.  Find a store that has staff that will take the time to help you and inform you; there is no rushing this purchase.  The staff should have the experience of handling and grading stones (and not simply read the information on the tag.)
• Make sure the stone is certified by GIA (Gemological Institute of America.)  GIA sets the standard for diamond ratings, so a certification from GIA should come with the diamond that you buy.
• Ask your jeweler to show you loose diamonds as well as those mounted in settings.  This is an opportunity to study a stone under a 10x microscope or loupe – you’ll be amazed at the view and the jeweler can talk you through what you are seeing.

In the second part of this two part post, I’ll share details on the Four Cs of a Diamond.  In the meantime, my husband swears by this book, How To Buy A Diamond: Insider Secrets For Getting Your Money’s Worth by Fred Cuellar. He read it thoroughly and took it with him to every jewelry store he visited.  The jewelers who recognized his efforts to be informed and helped him with his diamond education stood out from those just interested in the sale.

Check out Part 1: Pre-Ceremony and Part 2: Ceremony for overviews of Jewish Wedding Traditions. For the final part, I will focus on The Reception.

Following the ceremony, the bride and groom share their first few moments of married life together in privacy (known as Yichud.)

The meal portion of the reception (Seudat Mitzvah) can have many guidelines, depending on how strictly you wish to keep kosher.  Kosher (or kashrut) is a set of Jewish dietary laws.  Most often, chicken and fish are the entrée choices, as both can be in keeping with kosher guidelines and are both fertility symbols.  For a strictly kosher menu, a glatt-kosher caterer is the route you would want to investigate.  Otherwise, see if your caterer can provide a “kosher-style” menu (that will adhere to kosher rules but isn’t cooked in a kosher kitchen.)

Before the S’eudah Mitzvah begins, a blessing (hamotizi) over the challah (an elaborately braided bread) occurs.  The couple’s parents, the rabbi, or another honored guest may give the hamotzi and the challah is shared with all the wedding guests.

The traditional way to end the festive meal is with a blessing (birkat hamazon).  Prayer books (benchers) are distributed or pre-set at the tables.  The seven wedding blessings are repeated, and a blessing over the wine is recited as two glasses of wine are poured together into a third, symbolizing the creation of a new life together.

You’d be hard-pressed to find a Jewish reception that does not incorporate dancing the hora – the steps are simple and the whole community participates in the celebration.  Often the bride and groom, as if royalty, will be lifted in “thrones” above the heads of their guests, using a napkin or handkerchief to connect them to each other.   Once settled back to the ground, the element of schtik will begin – since  the bride and groom are presiding as King and Queen, their guests take on the role of Court Jester – entertaining, adorning, incorporating signs, decorations, skits, acrobatics, juggling, break dancing – you name it!

“Mazel Tov!”

Special thanks for Next Exit Photography for their gorgeous images…!

Check out Part 1 from yesterday for the Pre-Ceremony overview of Jewish Wedding Traditions. Today, I will focus on the Ceremony.

Part 2: The Ceremony

The Jewish wedding ceremony is full of traditional elements incorporating advice and symbolism.  Both the bride and the groom are escorted in the processional by their parents, representing both families coming together.  The parents stop at the Chuppah, the wedding canopy that represents the bride and groom’s new home together.   The canopy is traditionally constructed to be open on all sides – indicating a hospitable home that is open to guests, with the covering being a tallit (prayer shall) of significance to the family.

When the bride reaches the chuppah, she encircles the groom (called Hakafot) seven times.  This is indicative of the seven days God created the earth as well as the symbolical building of their world together.

The number seven is represented again in the Seven Blessings (Sheva Brachot).  These blessings speak of the creation of man and woman, Jerusalem, the joy of children, love, friendship and commitment before the community.  This is often an opportunity to invite loved ones to participate in the wedding ceremony by having each blessing read by different people.

The Betrothal (Erusin) has a blessing over wine – traditionally a symbol or joy and abundance – with the bride and groom both sipping from the same cup (kiddush).  Also the rings are exchanged.  The signed ketubah is then presented.

The breaking of the glass is probably the most familiar part of a Jewish wedding.   This tradition is seen as a reminder that even on the happiest occasions, life also brings sadness and sorrow.  The shattering of the glass symbolizes the fragility of relationships and to remember that marriage is delicate and should be nurtured and cherished.  It also symbolizes the destruction of the Temple of Jerusalem.  At the sound of the breaking glass, guests shout “mazel tov!” and clap, and the recessional begins.

“Mazel Tov!”

Special thanks for Next Exit Photography for their gorgeous images!

Over the next three days, I will provide you with an overview of Jewish Wedding Traditions.

Part 1: Pre-Ceremony

Prior to the ceremony, separate receptions are held (called Kabbalat Panim). While the bride sits on a throne to receive well wishes and blessings from the ladies, the groom and gentlemen guests gather to sing, dance and toast the upcoming marriage.   The groom’s table (known as Chatan’s Tish) is where the fathers of the bride and groom stipulate the conditions (Tana’im) representing the groom’s commitment to the bride.    After the Tana’im are read, the fathers break a plate to demonstrate the seriousness of the commitment – just as a plate can never fully be repaired, care must be given to the marriage to avoid the inability to repair what has been broken.

Immediately following the Kabbalat Panim is the Badeken. At this time, the groom is escorted to the bride in a processional of singing and dancing.  Once the groom confirms the identity of the bride (and is not tricked into marrying the wrong partner as Jacob was when he married Leah instead of Rachel) the groom then places the veil over the bride’s face.

The ketubah is the marriage contract.  It spells out in detail (usually written in Aramaic) the legal obligations of the groom to his bride.   The ketubah is signed prior to the wedding ceremony.

“Mazel Tov!”

Stay tuned for parts 2 and 3 of this series!

Special thanks for Next Exit Photography for their gorgeous images!

• If both Jane & John Doe are doctors, address the envelope using either Drs. Jane and John Doe, or use their degree in their title as Jane Doe, M.D. and John Doe, Ph.D. (when using the second option, forgo the “Drs.” at the beginning.)
• If John is a doctor, but Jane is not, the envelope could be addressed Dr. and Mrs. John Doe though if Jane is the doctor, it would be Dr. Jane Doe and Mr. John Doe.
• Let’s say Jane is the officiant and will be invited to the wedding: The Reverend Jane Doe and Mr. John Doe would be appropriate (and if it’s John performing the ceremony, the envelope would read The Reverend and Mrs. John Doe).
• Use the title The Honorable when inviting judges, elected officials and ambassadors – even if retired, the title remains.  Similar rules apply as stated above.
• If Jane is a lawyer, Jane Doe, Esq. is accurate, however since a wedding is a social invitation, it may be most appropriate to address the invitation more formal and less business.  When in doubt, ask the guest how they prefer to be addressed.

Have you encountered any other head-scratchers while addressing envelopes or escort cards? Leave a comment and let us know your solutions!

“Happy Planning!”

• When inviting a married couple, we’ll call them Jane & John Doe, the invitation should be addressed to Mr. & Mrs. John Doe.
• Singularly, if you were to invite just Jane, the envelope would be to Mrs. John Doe (however, formal etiquette would suggest that the couple be invited together to a formal occasion, even if only one person from the couple is known to the host.  This same rule applies should Jane be a widow.)
• But what if Jane kept her maiden name when she married John?  Address the envelope to Mr. John Doe and Ms. Jane Smith.
• Reserve “Miss” for the youngest female guests (safe bet is age eighteen or younger.)  Even the flower girl should be addressed as “Miss” on the invitation (second line, below her parents, and in order of age with her siblings should they be invited, too.)
• When in doubt, use “Ms.“

I should note that times and formalities change, and so too will etiquette.  I hear “Introducing for the first time, Mr. & Mrs. John & Jane Doe!” by officiants and emcees more often than I hear a welcoming of “Mrs. & Mrs. John Doe” (which is the more “proper” phrasing.) So even if formal etiquette dictates otherwise, its not unheard of or wrong to address an envelope in a similar fashion.

I’ll save other titles (Dr., Hon., etc.) for another post.

“Happy planning!”

• RSVP immediately.  As soon as you get the invitation, ideally.  Especially if you cannot attend – this will allow the hosts to possibly expand their guest list with plenty of time to send an invitation properly.  If the response card asks for entree selection, be sure to fill it in, and why not add a quick message to the back of the card – let the couple know how excited you are to be a part of their wedding day.  It’s so much fun to receive the RSVPs in the mail, and your bonus message will be a delight for the bride and groom.
• Arrive early. Expect there may be traffic and that parking might be atrocious, and still plan to be at the wedding ceremony at least 15 minutes earlier than stated on the invitation.  It’s becoming more common to state a time on the invitation that differs from the planned start time to be sure everyone has arrived, but if the ceremony takes place in a church, that buffer time may not be available.  So don’t just be on time, be early.
• Send your gift in advance. Every bridal registry that I know of will send the gifts directly to the couple, and in doing so, you eliminate the need to bring something with you and the need for the bride and groom to haul something home.  A lot of “somethings” as the case most certainly will be.  Plus, you’ll have the added bonus of knowing the gift arrived (or can track it if it gets lost in transit.)

• Sit where you are assigned to sit. The couple and families spent many hours fine tuning who will set where and to disregard their careful planning is not only disrespectful to the hosts, but may also create some adjusting for the catering staff who were told in advance how many people (and perhaps entree choices) were at each table.
• Participate. If there is a guest book to sign, please do!  If well wishes are requested, take the time to sincerely offer advice.  If there is a photo booth with pros available, it is your duty as a considerate wedding guest to don a  boa and sombrero and say “cheese!”  If the bride is out on the dance floor with the kids and no one is joining her, be the first to do so and start a trend.
• And then there is the bar… This is a celebration, so celebrate!  But know when enough is enough.   The last memory anyone will want of this wedding is how sloshed or sick one got during the reception.  Don’t pull focus from the couple – the spot light is on them and it’s your just as the guest to stand by and applaud.
• Respect their space. There will be many people who want time with the couple, so take your turn and try not to monopolize their attention.  This is a perfect opportunity to introduce yourself to the rest of families (if you don’t already know them) and express your joy in attending this wonderful occasion.

“Cheers!”

• The Wedding Producer is just that – a Producer.  This professional is an all around go-to for every aspect of the wedding day.  They will work with the couple in creating the entire event design and decor elements, arranging for all the necessary elements (rentals, linens, decor, flowers, etc.) often incorporating their go-to team of event professionals to deliver a top notch event.  Essentially, this producer or production company takes the bride & groom’s vision and makes it happen.  This is for the bride that has no time to focus on the wedding details and trusts the Producer to make the magic happen.  (This service is your most expensive option.  Then again, when time is money, it may be the better option when your time is scarce.)

• Full Service Planner acts as organizer, resource guide, etiquette expert, and all round right hand.  This professional is perfect for the bride and groom who wish to be active in their planning, but want the expertise of a seasoned pro along the way.  Expect vendor recommendations, design meetings, meetings with vendors, site walk throughs, attendance at the catering tasting — the full service coordinator will be there at every stop.  (Because more time is involved in this service, expect this option to be the higher price point of most coordinator’s packages.  This option would be ideal for planning a wedding at a private estate or location that will require rentals, tenting, or other elements that are well served under a professional’s attention.)

• There is a misconception in the term Day-Of Coordinator, as it implies that this professional just shows up on the day and coordinates the elements.  Not so.  This planner will want to meet with the couple in advance (at least two weeks, often a month or six weeks) prior to the wedding to discuss the details as they have been arranged so far.  This professional will take all the information and details already established and wrap up the final loose ends.  The primary goal of a Day-Of Coordinator is to get the vendor team on the same page and to manage a schedule for the day.  (This is a very popular service and is recommended as the bare minimum for a wedding day.  Hiring a Day-Of Coordinator allows the bride to maintain control of all the planning herself while having an event professional on the day of the event to actually manage the day.)

• For the bride that has the time to research and plan, but would like some professional direction when getting started, she may choose to book a wedding planner for Consultation Hours.  This is an open forum in which to explore whatever aspects are most pressing: vendor referrals that the bride pursuit herself, design a preliminary timeline that the bride then carries with her to vendor appointments and her venue to revise along the way, or perhaps brainstorming design themes or elements that the bride can then orchestrate herself.  (This service offers a low cost gateway to wedding planning, while still having expert advice on which to draw.  Its also a good option to incorporate with the Day-Of Coordination packages to get a more complete experience if full service planning is not in the budget.)

Most often, wedding coordinators will charge a flat fee for their services, as they will most likely have a good understanding of the hours and efforts involved in the the execution of the contract and can charge according to service provided.  A wedding producer or full service planner, however, might charge based on a percentage of the wedding budget. Whatever the price structure, be sure you understand their services and when you sign a contract, make sure the details as you understand them are listed in writing.

“Happy planning!”

Why is that?  With so much planning that must be done with scheduling everyone’s’ attendance and arranging the rehearsal dinner, why would a venue wait until a couple weeks before the wedding day to confirm a rehearsal date and time?  Because there is a chance the venue can book your event space on the day before your event.  And rather than bumping you from the space, it usually works out best to avoid setting the rehearsal date and time until the wedding date is closer.

Let’s say you are getting married on a Saturday and the venue has indeed booked a Friday evening event, you could consider:

• Late afternoon rehearsal: Get together around 3pm and have time to dress for dinner before your family, bridal party and out-of-town guests meet you at the rehearsal dinner location.
• Early afternoon rehearsal: Get together around 11am and conclude with a casual lunch before embarking on a day at the spa!
• Thursday rehearsal: Meet an additional day before and know that not everyone will be able to attend.  The thing to note is that whomever misses the rehearsal will be brought up to speed by your coordinator and the rest of your bridal party.
• Rehearsing off site: Your neighborhood park can double as your venue’s garden, and afterward, you are in the prime location for a BBQ!
• Skip it altogether: If your bridal party isn’t huge and your ceremony procession isn’t complicated, you could very well skip the rehearsal, especially with a seasoned wedding coordinator on your team.

Most importantly, don’t let this loose end worry you — your wedding venue is accustomed to accommodating rehearsals and will likely take every step possible to make sure your experience is a good one!

• Some think one must return the card only if they are attending the event
• Some set it aside and it gets swept up in other mail or clutter and it gets missed placed
• Others are not sure of their calendar and hold the card to check first, and then forget
• Some just forget.

You are perfectly within your right to call each non-responsive guest to see if they plan on attending.  I would recommend, however, that you have a bridesmaid or perhaps your mother call.  Its been my experience that guests have a hard time saying ‘no’ to the bride, even if the answer really is ‘no’.  Rather than see empty seats at dinner tables (knowing you’ve paid for those meals!), a representative for the bride (a bridesmaid, your mother) will often get a more honest answer; and it allows the forgetful responder to save face with you, too.

Now how about those cards that have an empty M____________ line but have indicate their entree choices.  You have no idea who sent it back but someone is indeed coming (and bringing a guest based on their entree selections.)  A simple trick to solve this mystery — assign each person on your guest list a number and write that number very lightly on the back of the RSVP card.  Match up the number with the master guest list and – VOILA! – Mystery Solved!!

(By the way, that “M” in front of the line (as in “M_________ “) on an RSVP card?  Liene Stevens at Blue Orchid Events answers this question:  “Quite simply it is there for you to complete your title [Mr., Mrs., Miss] when you fill in your name.”

What other RSVP dilemmas have you faced?  How did you solve them?

*Image courtesy of WeddingPaperDivas.com

Cherifoto

Making Memories sites: “In America alone, one person receives a diagnosis of breast cancer every 2 1/2 minutes, while every 12 minutes someone loses his or her battle against this disease.”  It’s nearly impossible to find someone who hasn’t been affected in some way by cancer — wouldn’t this be a wonderful way to “pay it forward”?

I loved my gown, and I recently sent to the Making Memories in hopes that it finds a home with a bride in joyous anticipation of her wedding day and in the process, helps to fund a few more joyous moments for those fighting breast cancer.  Won’t you join me?

Information on the gown sales, donation of gowns, volunteering and participating can be found at www.bridesagainstbreastcancer.org

Photo by Michael Norwood Photography

• Charger: When sitting at the dinner table, the center of your place setting may have a charger.  A charger looks like an over-sized plate, often decorative, and serves as a base for soup bowls, salad plates and dinner plates.  It is often collected after the main course, before the dessert course, though it’s not uncommon to collect it with the salad plate.
• Napkin: On top of the charger (or center of the setting if there is no charger in the setting) is the napkin.  Napkins can be folded in a gazillion ways that add a decorative element to your table.  The most common for wedding receptions is the envelope or pocket fold – an elegant placement for individual menu cards or place cards.
• Utensils: Utensils are placed in order of use from the outside working your way in.  So when looking at the forks on the left side of the plate, the fork closest to the charger is the entree fork.  Next to that fork (one away from the plate) is the salad fork.  If a fish course is being served, that fork will be the third from the plate.  The knives and spoons are on the right side of the charger, starting with the entree knife; the salad knife is to the right of that (one away from the charger), and next to that salad knife would be a fish knife (again, if that course is part of your menu; if not, then no utensil will be set.) The butter knife will be set diagonally across the bread plate (see below).  The soup spoon is to the far right of the knives.   And that fork and spoon hanging out above the charger?  Those are for your dessert and coffee.  Depending on the menu, you may see two spoons above.  The handles for the spoon will aim toward your right hand while the dessert fork will have its handle toward your left hand.

• Glasses: Glasses are on the right side of your plate (which is a good thing to remember when you are seated at a table where it seems there is no distinction between what if part of your place setting and what may be your neighboring table mate’s. )  The water goblet will be closest to the charger on the top right.  Behind it will nestle the champagne flute.  To the right of these will be the red wine glass and then the white wine glass.  Again, depending on your menu, it may be that one or more of these glasses are not preset on your table.
• Bread Plate: The bread plate will be found to the top left of the charger, above the forks, or center above the dessert spoon and fork if space is tight.
• Coffee cup and Saucer: It’s customary for the coffee cup and saucer to arrive prior to dessert being served rather than pre-set it on the table throughout dinner.

When setting a table (or if you happen to be seated at a table that may not offer enough room to clearly define) here’s a trick of the trade to remember which side of the charger the utensils go: “fork” is spelled with four letters: they go on the “left” (also spelled with four letters).  “Knife” and “spoon” are both spelled with five letters – so is “right”, the side on which they are placed.

When you are finished with your meal, simply rest both the knife and fork together diagonally across the plate and place the napkin to the left of your plate.  This will signal the waiter that they can clear your plate.  If you excuse yourself from the table for a moment, rest your napkin on the back of your chair so your waiter knows you will be returning.

“Happy dining!”

• Who proposes a toast? – Tradition has the Best Man starting the toasts.  And traditionally, he is the only one who does.  Now, it’s very rare that the only person to speak (or want to speak) at your reception will be the Best Man. The Father of the Bride (traditionally the host of the festivities) may want to say a few words, as might the Father of the Groom. The Maid of Honor may want to raise a glass as well.  So far, that’s at least four people wishing to speak.  And at some point, won’t you want to respond to so many well wishes too?  So let’s review the next point…

• What do they say? The Best Man should toast the bride and then the bride and groom as a couple.  The Maid of Honor typically speaks of the bride’s virtue and extends well wishes to the new couple.  The Father of the Bride will welcome guests to the festivities and the groom into the family, while the Father of the Groom might toast the hospitality of the Bride’s family and welcome her into the fold (assuming that the bride’s family is hosting the event. )  The Bride and Groom will want to thank the toast makers for their kind words, express their love and gratitude to their parents and thank everyone for sharing this special day with them.

• When do they say it? I have two schools of thought on when toasts should happen. When accommodating more than three toast makers, I suggest the Best Man give his toast when your guests are seated for dinner, before the food service has begun.  At that point, guests should have at their tables a full glass of something (champagne, wine or water) with which to raise in your honor.  Immediately afterward have the Father or Parents of the Bride speak, and then serve the first course.  Once the first course plates are cleared and wine glasses have refilled, have the Maid of Honor say a few words followed by the Father or Parents of the Groom. Otherwise, the simplest approach is to start with the Best Man, who’ll then introduce the Maid of Honor, then have a short welcome from one parents (on behalf of all of them) before the food service begins – thus avoiding any interruption to the flow of the meal (especially if the menu is buffet  or family style.)  The Bride and Groom may wish to hold their toast to their guests until cake cutting, after the reception has proceeded for a while but isn’t quite over yet. (NOTE: The only time the Bride & Groom should raise a glass and drink is at this point, when they are toasting their guests or others.  It’s an etiquette faux pas to raise your own glass and drink when you are being toasted, as if to say “Here’s to me!”)

• Why must we do this? Just like any wedding tradition, you don’t have to schedule toasts.  But, I can guarantee that people will want to raise a glass to you, sing your praises, bestow well wishes and blessings, and perhaps generate a laugh or two.  Some of the most memorable moments of a wedding happen when someone you love and who loves you speaks of you and your partnership.  It’s heartwarming, it’s endearing, and it’s sentimental (and surprising the words expressed in this moment of celebration.)

With the evolution of many wedding traditions, so this will evolve.  Encourage those invited to speak to keep their toast between two to three minutes, thus allowing for concise thoughts and to keep guests’ attention (and not prolonging into a “speech”, especially with multiple toast makers on deck!).  Ask them to write down their thoughts; few people can speak eloquently or humorously without some preparation.  And remember, the rehearsal dinner is a fantastic time to open the floor to as many guests as wish to speak and share their stories and celebratory thoughts.

“Happy Planning!”

Why not have a professional photographer capture the moment when he gets on one knee and she gasps in shock!?  Use the images on your save-the-dates or announcement cards, compile them into a slide show and share with friends and family so they can be in on the moment, too.

And what about the morning after the wedding???  Why not capture the sentimentality of “the day after the night before” sweetness.   How fun is that??!

Or put the dress back on and go out and play?!  You don’t have to trash the dress to get cool post-event images, just go have fun!  (Although I suppose sloshing in the surf might do a bit of damage.  Doesn’t it look wildly exciting though?!)

So photography is another place to “think outside the box” – if its special to you, if its a moment that passes so quickly and emotions flood over the details, its worth capturing those memories on film.

Special thanks to Michael Negrete Photography, Jacob Galleries, B&G Photography, James Johnson Photographer for the images and the inspiration.

• Consider travel times and routes. Will your guests be invited to arrive at the ceremony on a Friday at 5pm – when rush hour is at its highest?  You’ll probably want to plan to start the ceremony 20-30 minutes after invitation time to give your guests plenty of time to battle traffic.  But what about those that arrive earlier than your invitation time?  That will be an extra long wait for them, and they shouldn’t be penalized for early arrival.  Why not plan on pre-ceremony refreshments (fruit skewers, sparkling ginger lemonade, and citrus-infused waters) for those guests that arrive early to beat the traffic.  And those guests arriving road-weary will appreciate the cooling treats.

• Consider down times. Will your ceremony conclude at the church by 3:30pm but the cocktail hour at the reception site isn’t scheduled to start until 6pm with travel time no more than 20 minutes drive?  What will your guests do for nearly two hours?  Even if your venue is a hotel, the service staff will not be ready to welcome your guests two hours earlier than stated in the contract.  Consider listing in the ceremony program nearby attractions, malls, restaurants and coffee houses so guests not familiar with the area will have a place to go, to hang out or to explore.  Or for an unexpected “wow!” arrange for a double-decker bus tour of famous landmarks, waiting for your guests as they exit the ceremony site.

• Avoid keeping guests waiting. While taking photos during cocktail hour is a fantastic use of that time, do not plan on extending your cocktail hour any longer than 50-60 minutes.  Guests start to get antsy – they’ve been standing a while in new high heels and warm suit jackets, and after an hour they are ready to move on to the next phase.  If it is unavoidable to have an extended cocktail hour, consider lots of seating, plenty of hors d’oeuvres, and perhaps something entertaining to hold their interested.  Balloon animals, anyone??

• In regards to toasts… Though traditionally, toasts during reception are typically conducted by the Father of the Bride (welcoming guests) and the Best Man (honoring the Bride), it’s not uncommon to have additional loved ones wishing to raise a glass to you.  Have your coordinator kindly remind them that a toast takes less than 3 minutes.  Anything more is a speech and will have stomachs grumbling if Cousin Mike waxed on (and on and on) about that one time at band camp.  Rather than stack four or five ‘toasts’ before the first course is served, schedule a few toasts between courses, too.  Or ask some of the would-be toasters to speak at the rehearsal dinner.

J. Pollack Photography

• I had my cake, and I’m leaving, too. You may have heard that once the cake is cut, the reception is over.  That’s not necessarily true.  There will be certain guests that are looking forward to that dessert course so they can retire, sure (unless Grandma wants to cut the rug with you, she’ll be pretty tired by the time cake rolls around – it’s a long day!) but generally, cake cutting is the last “formality” and just as many of your guests will want to get out there and dance!  The bride and groom set the tone – if you are on the dance floor, your guests will join you there.

When visualizing your wedding day, keep the comfort of your guests in mind, too.  Being thoughtful of their experience makes the whole day an unforgettable one (for all the right reasons!)

]]> http://www.weddingaces.com/2009/09/holding-your-guests-hostage/feed/ 1 http://www.weddingaces.com/2009/09/top-5-questions-for-selecting-a-wedding-venue/ http://www.weddingaces.com/2009/09/top-5-questions-for-selecting-a-wedding-venue/#comments Thu, 10 Sep 2009 19:00:34 +0000 Melissa http://www.weddingaces.com/?p=5577 Choosing your venue is one of the first tasks to tackle for brides and grooms on their wedding planning adventure.  Very little progress can be made before you pick the venue and set the date.  So where do you start?  What do you ask?  What to consider?

1. Start by asking yourself: “What type of setting do we want for our wedding day?” Have you always envisioned walking down an aisle created by rose petals on a freshly manicured lawn or is the drama of a grand staircase from which you descend more in line with your bridal fantasy?  Perhaps there a location or part of town that speaks to you as a couple (met at the beach, proposed at the beach – get married at the beach!)  Maybe its logistics for your guests or the vision for the whole weekend that will dictate the venue style and location.  Maybe you don’t have a vision yet and need to explore options.  Fair enough!  Then consider the time of year and what that might dictate – want a winter wedding?  Better opt to avoid garden ceremonies.  Unless that garden is in Hawaii.  Then by all means, “aloha!”
2. Once you know what direction to explore, you’ll want to ask:“Does it fit in my budget?” Before you do anything more than open a bridal magazine or search online, you must have a plan on how much you want to spend and how much of that budget will be spent on the venue.  That is a hard task to contemplate when you haven’t done any research on pricing.  But if you start with what you know you can spend, and take time to craft a preliminary budget (WeddingWire has a great calculator to get you started!) you can then adjust the amounts in each category as you sharpen your priorities.  You may start out thinking you’ll need a huge floral budget, then find a venue that is ornate in a way that your floral design can be much more streamlined in cost, thus allowing for more of that allocated budget to be spent elsewhere.
3. “How’s the cuisine?” A very important question to some people.  For others, it may be less of a priority.  Wherever this element falls on your importance radar, do make sure that a tasting is scheduled so you can make sure you are happy with what will be selected and served to your guests.  To be fair, some venues are just that – a venue – and will require a caterer.  Most often, that venue will give a recommendation on caterers to consider (or may even require the use of an exclusive caterer) so this element is still very much a part of your venue selection process.
4. “What are the restrictions?” Boy, this one can seem extensive, though I find most restrictions have a logical reason for them.  The reception has to be over by 10pm?  Most likely, it’s a venue located in a residential neighborhood.  Is valet required?  Probably has limited parking or no parking lot at all.  Do I have to use in house provided linens/ chairs/ lighting?  Sure, its a revenue opportunity for the venue, but it could also be a requirement of local labor agreements or exclusive contracts that have been established.  A wedding coordinator is required?  Trust me, a venue that values service to its clients will insist on a wedding coordinators presence (that topic, we’ll explore another time.)  Essentially, a venue’s restrictions or rules are usually clearly spelled out in the contract and / or information packet they give you.  If it isn’t – ask.  And get it in writing for future reference.
5. “What are the pros and cons of this venue?” This is where you and your partner get to practice communication and compromise.  You may discover that your vision or priorities aren’t exactly the same as his.  You may fall in love with the concept of a ceremony in a field of wildflowers while all he can see are the bees buzzin’ and a sneeze coming on.  Are restrictions or rules of the venue compromising the most important elements of your wedding day?  If you MUST party until dawn and the bar MUST close at 11pm, you might have a tally in the “con” column.  If the venue is located near the hotel and you can move there for an ‘after party’ – “pro”!  Only the two of you can compile this list (with a little help from your friends and family and anyone else whose opinion you value).

This is just the beginning – I’ll explore questions to ask your venue in another blog post.  These questions are to get you started…!

Happy planning!!

Got more questions on this topic?  Ask them in your comments and keep the dialogue going!